So drunk, too bad you don't want this
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
