you really need to stop walk of shaming home from theme parties.
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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