This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
your like the ambassador to my penis.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
Randomize
