So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
so thats when we found her crawling hands and knees up first street singing hold me closer tony danza as loud as she could
did she say where she was going
apparently she thought she was on morton hill and was trying to go back to the bars
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
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