Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Randomize
