It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
i think my cat just said my name.
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
Randomize
