Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Randomize
