my room smells like sperm. sweet.
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
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