Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
