My room smells like vodka and shame
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
