Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
Randomize
