if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
