I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
Randomize
