I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
