He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Randomize
