fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
my shit smells like andre
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
Randomize
