Why does Corona taste like a burp?
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
She told me I should be a condom model.
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
Randomize
