3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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