You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
Come on in and take your pants off
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