Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
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