but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
I checked into jail on foursquare
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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