Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Randomize
