Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
babies were throwing up all over the place
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
