Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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