Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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