You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Randomize
