I wish I could teleport
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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