I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
