I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Randomize
