i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
I would ride that face into the sunset
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
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