I just hope this isn't happening Final Destination style
Travis Barker would totally be Devon Sawa in this scenario
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
