Far right against the wall..hiding come find me. dont tell oyhers hahaha
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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