I got chris browned last night
Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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