Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
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