the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
He keeps bees of course he's weird
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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