Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
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