phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
