Swine flu. Run for my life!
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
