Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Randomize
