happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
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