Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
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