What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
