He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
idea:have a jello shot stand(opposed to lemonade stand) to raise money for spring break
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
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