I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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