She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
