Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
she has a miserable personality but its a good think you dont have sex with that
pussy has no personality
Amen to that
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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