I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
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