it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
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