I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
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