i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
Randomize
