So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
